Cute Brunts - Idiomatic Phrase of The Day

gobsmacking ritual

2010-03-10

Neanderthal man was a funny sort. For instance, the ancient custom of the gobsmacking ritual, according to some archeologists, went something like this: In an act of propitiation to the Goddess of the fields, a male victim was chosen at random. After he'd been out hunting or gathering big sticks he would come home to find his hut on fire and his lady wife in the arms of the local bull skinner. While he stood there, quite literally, 'open-mouthed' in astonishment, the wives of the chief and all the village elders would smack him in the chops with tiny face hammers made out of shrews' testicles. In some way, they thought, this would appease the Goddess and ensure that no-one from the tribe would stand in a cow pat.

This ceremony has been handed down generation to generation and is now known in the Neanderthal parts of the UK as 'happy slapping'.

pigeon-chested acrobat

2010-03-09

Nothing compares to the forward roll performed by a pigeon-chested acrobat. It just goes on and on and on and on... IT CANNOT BE STOPPED!

bambino regulator

2010-03-08

Belly sore? Take 4 drops of bambino fluid every day and you'll be moving again in no time! A bambino regulator will do exactly what it says on the label.

cormorant glue

2010-03-07

Cormorant glue is not to be sniffed at!

a million vermillion moles

2010-03-06

a million vermillion moles castigated in holes

rapid tutorage

2010-03-05

Due to cutbacks in the education system many schools are taking up rapid tutorage. It's a bit like speed dating whereby a pupil sits at his/her desk and talks to a teacher for two minutes about crop rotation or something. A bell rings and another teacher sits down to talk about semi-permeable membranes or something. Two minutes later and the maths teacher comes to talk about long division or something. After two minutes, a music teacher sits down and talks about George Harrison's "Something".

academic sleazebag

2010-03-04

The groves of academe are not solely populated with geniuses and bookish intellectuals working for the furtherment of human knowledge. Universities and colleges are fraught with sexual tension and unethical goings-on.

It's not surprising really. is it, in a place where thousands of bouncy young, beautiful, nubile men and women are in thrall to balding, middle-aged, sexually-frustrated crusty old bookworms who are usually married to other balding, crusty, frustrated bookworms.

Furthermore, professors of higher learning are also members of a closed and highly secretive society; they are people who do not take to the impositions of the outside world or negative publicity in the scandal sheets and therefore tend to deal with immorality, hypocrisy and indiscretions within their own serried ranks.

It is therefore the role of the so-called 'vice chancellor' to cover up lecturers' wrong-doings by keeping any evidence safely ensconced within the institution's academic sleazebag. These bags, and there is one for every university and college in the land, is then placed in a nuclear bunker just outside Milton Keynes and guarded by especially vicious blind underground guard geese.